Is healing ever done?

PTSD

It's a sticky mofo.

I had no idea I was living this and still am.

Flashbacks, reactions, heavy emotions, racing thoughts.

I opened up recently that my father was in jail multiple times in my life. It's not something I easily open up about, because it hurts.

What hurts even more, is the stigma I have carried that it is all my fault.

When I was a teen, to which I can't remember how old I even was it was such a blur, my parent's relationship was going downhill, fast.

My father was unpacking some deep trauma in his own life at that time, going against a church where he was molested as a child, along with others who spoke up!!

He was one of my heroes as a child, always there for me when things got tough at home. My mom has her own horror stories that I will save for another time, but he did the best he could for all of us and gave Mom space and took us out to enjoy some time bonding.

When he had to endure the pain of his trauma, he was put on heavy medications and also started to drink (he was a recovered alcoholic).

I believe the mix of all of it, lead to that dreadful night and years of pain that followed. I was in my room getting ready for bed, escaping the intensity of my parent's fighting. It wasn't usually too bad, but enough that I knew to stay away.

I heard my Mom scream 'Dad has a knife'. So I did what anyone would do at my age, called 911.

From what my parents say, there were no attempts made, my dad was holding it as a threat because Mom didn't want to talk to him anymore. He did not rush at her, or make any attempts, BUT it was still not acceptable.

What happened next changed my life forever, the police came into our home, arrested my father on the floor of my kitchen, took him away and he never came back.

I'm not sure how the rest played out, I have parts of my life I can't recall during this time. But I do recall my father's reaction when we spoke afterwards, he was devastated at what I did.

This broke me even more. My hero, the one who I felt protected me, was now shaming me into trying to be a hero. To try and save my mom the only way I knew how, even from the man who I knew, could not harm a fly. I just wanted it all to stop!

Our relationship was hard, for a very long time. Watching my dad fall deeper and deeper after this event, in and out of jail, year after year for doing stupid shit, mixing pills and alcohol to try and numb his pain. When we would try and talk he would still bring up that incident and ask me why I did it.

Why? Why wouldn't I? Why did I have to become an adult? Why did I have to be the one to put my adolescence aside and protect my mom and be without my dad? Why do I have to carry the heavy energy, throughout my life and replay it all when things get intense?

Now that I am a mother myself to children who have difficulties involving physical venting of frustrations. It's been a wicked mix over the years and I know I have done my own mixing of emotional trauma to my kids from my reactions. And I continued to shame myself for it.

It's all my fault! It's all my fault the kids are hard, and I get triggered by the intensity. That I blame and shame them when I can't handle any more blaming myself. That's the voice of my lower self. The tracks play over and over.

But, I keep trying, and I keep showing up. I keep making attempts to change that inner track, and it's fucking hard work!

Being a coach, it's at times even harder to admit we are just as messed up as everyone else, but that's the key, we're all messed up!

So what do we do? Keep plugging away with our heads in the sand? Fuck no! We rise up, shed our stories and find ways to change them. It's not easy, by any means. To say that coaching is a one-and-done is to be a modern-day salesman.

I'd love to say that after all my work, I am completely aligned and don't make mistakes but I would be lying. And I would be ignorant of the gifts that come when I own my story, the bad parts and all.

Each time I open up, I get rewarded. It could be a moment of clarity within a tough experience, it may come hours later. It could be a message from someone who felt called to say, my posts helped them somehow. It could also be finding more information within my toolbox to help me get a little further ahead in my understanding.

The reason I felt called to share my experience is so I can help honour those who are walking their own path and trying to help themselves but feel they may not be getting anywhere. We have been sold the idea of quick fixes in the past and while I wish it were true, I'm not sure our path of healing truly ever ends.

Acceptance of finding ways to get better, with every step in life, is life itself. If we do not keep moving forward, growth stops! I can attest to saying, with time our steps can feel lighter, but yes we will fall back at times.

The trick is having a cushion to catch you when you fall! To have resources and tools to help during these times, instead of pushing them away.

Our world is starting to recognize we need more tools and better focus. We all feel an inner call for change. There is no magic formula, but instead a willingness. We have to say, we can try!

I keep trying, I keep showing up and I will keep doing so, even after I swear I'm done and the universe can find someone else to speak the message.

For it seems as soon as I feel I can't possibly go on, something shifts. A sign comes that shows me, keep going, you got this. It's waiting for these times to come, is where patience is truly born.

Coaching is a dance, between 2 people who have the willingness to just show up! The rest writes itself.

If you are interested in finding out what an experience feels like to be coached, send me a message! I have a few opportunities available that could be of value and if I can't help you, I have a good network of people who can!

But the key is help, others can only help you take those steps, they can't make you take them. But they can hold your hand while you do!

I believe in you!

Love Crystal